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What are you into in bed? On normal things? Or do you belong to the extravagant variety? Can it also be anal sex? Pull out your hair and spank your butt? Or do you find that totally sick? And do you feel these questions perhaps a trace too indiscreetly and ask yourself, what is this at all? Sexuality is a private matter and is nobodys business except our sexual partner and ourselves. That is not only socially so desired, but first and foremost our right. And yet at some point this kind of secrecy raises the question of whether we ourselves actually know what we are keeping secret from the rest of the world. To put it better: what is it exactly that I like, what makes me hot? And why is it important to know that at all? If you believe the many studies and surveys that have been carried out in recent years, many of us are anything but satisfied with our sex lives. To give an example: In 2015, the online partner exchange ElitePartner in cooperation with the market research institute Fittkau und Maaß surveyed 10,000 people on this topic. The result: Just 46 percent of men aged 30 and over are happy with their love life in a partnership; 53 percent of women are. Reasons for this can certainly be found in many cases; especially outside: too much stress at work, for example. Or the children, who constantly whine and eat so much time. The partnership is generally ill or the new Netflix series is simply much more exciting. What we like to forget: Sometimes the reason is simply that we ourselves dont know what we want. We talked to a woman who made a passion out of exactly this ignorance of the others: Madame Lisa is a dominatrix in Stuttgart or - as she prefers to call herself - a femdom. The abbreviation stands for Female dominance, meaning female dominance. She believes that most people have a preference for BDSM, albeit a small one, and has been offering special seminars and workshops for more than ten years for those who would like to find out more about this form of sexuality. Their goal: to get BDSM out of the mess corner and make it clear to people that the cliché of the arrogant dominatrix who lets herself lick the dust off her boots has nothing to do with reality.

What exactly is BDSM?

BDSM stands for Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission, Sadism and Masochism and describes a fairly wide range of sexual variants. Above all is the desire to play with dominance and submission, which can manifest itself in the form of bondage sex, erotic role-playing with playful punishment or lustfully inflicted pain. The field is wide and therefore offers plenty of space for prejudices. We wanted to know whats wrong with the cliché of the top manager who likes to get his ass kicked in his spare time; whether its true that submissive women lack self-confidence and whether as a dominatrix you actually get a guilty conscience when you strike. Dear Lisa, at BDSM you inevitably have gloomy pictures of strict women in patent leather and leather in front of your eyes, leading men around on dog leashes and getting their feet licked. Is that really the case? If you allude to the typical pictures in porn - that has very little to do with reality. In these films BDSM is depicted rather overdrawn and is usually far removed from what men or women would want to experience if they were actually exposed to the situation. BDSM actually has a lot to do with deep emotions and intimacy. Anyone who has sex not only sees, but also feels, smells and tastes - this is completely lost when watching porn and thats why you have to exaggerate things in the film in order to arouse a certain appeal in the viewer. But this applies to every form of pornography. Ultimately, this gives people a sometimes very skew image of BDSM. I notice this again and again in my workshops and seminars when people say God, I am relieved. I thought I couldnt laugh any more and would have to shout commands. Leading someone has nothing to do with being cruel or disgusting. That is also possible quietly, politely and friendly.

What kind of people attend bondage seminars?

Everything is represented right across the bank. From the 19-year-old student to the banker to the senior. My oldest course participant was 72 years old, by the way. There are both absolute newcomers and experienced BDSMers, couples and individuals. Some want to know whether BDSM is something for them at all, others are looking for new impulses for their relationship. The majority is between 30 and 40 and - quite honestly - completely normal. What I mean by this is that many people confuse BDSM with milieu or a special kind of erotic industry and expect a corresponding clientele. But this is not the case. And the image of the strict manager in the tailor-made suit, who likes to be humiliated as a counterbalance - is that also a matter of hair? Of course there are, but there are also managers who want to play the dominant role in bed. I have my very own theory about the former. When a man feels that he has submissive tendencies, it is sometimes unpleasant for him simply to take that for granted and admit it. Then he uses his job as a crutch. Some people find it easier to base their preferences on their professional position than on their own personality. For some people this even changes from time to time. These are the so-called Switcher. And sometimes someone who has been submissive for 20 years can suddenly feel the need to live out the opposite side. I am the best example. When I discovered BDSM at the age of 19, I felt very comfortable in the submissive role. If I had been told that I was a femdom, I would have shown him the bird. That changed the moment I met a femdom and her two slaves at a party. The better we got to know each other, the more fascinated I was by the way she dealt with the two men. At some point I knew that I wanted that too. I think theres always a little longing in people that goes the other way. Sometimes it only takes the right partner at the right moment to awaken exactly this opposite pole. Such a thing can actually be a drop of bitterness, but does not necessarily mean the end of a relationship. In such cases, the couple can take turns, for example, so that everyone can take on the role that triggers them the most. Or the pair opens for other pairs. Sexuality can also be completely excluded if it goes too far. Sometimes its enough to share a punch game or certain role plays with this other couple. Although an open relationship with changing sexual partners can also work for a monogamous couple, jealousy and fear of loss usually play an important role. And how do you address the topic with your partner, to whom BDSM is perhaps not at all comfortable? Just order a whip in the net and unpack it in the bedroom? Something like that can work, but it can also quickly backfire. For example, if you whip without sense or understanding and possibly seriously hurt the other person - physically as well as mentally. Thats exactly why I offer these seminars. Here people not only learn the basics about BDSM and learn everything relevant about the different varieties, but I also impart medical knowledge. This means: How hard and where can I hit without breaking anything? Just as important, by the way, is the right communication between the partners. I have read that there are far more submissive women than men and that feminists sometimes strongly condemn their attitude. What do you think about that? Behind this is a kind of double standard. Why should one make submissive women mad at their lust and their sexual self-determination just because they dont fit into someones concept? A woman who stands by her sexuality and lives it is much freer than a woman who denies her preferences. It is a misconception anyway that submissive women have little self-confidence or are weak. The opposite is the case. If you want to bow before someone, you first have to be able to stand stable. I even go so far as to say that it takes much more strength to serve someone and voluntarily stand back than to command. The conscious exchange of power is only possible if the submissive part is strong enough to allow exactly that. It is also a misconception that the dominant part only has to be cold or hard. A good leadership in BDSM requires above all empathy and is exactly the right choice if it is the right degree of hardness and severity for the partner. Yes, unfortunately there are. I once had such a case in one of my seminars. There was a gentleman who said that he had had bad experiences with women all his life and would now like to take revenge on the womens world by torturing them. I politely asked this man to leave my seminar and later explained to him in private that I do not tolerate such tendencies and that this has absolutely nothing to do with BDSM. I would advise someone like this to have a therapeutic review of their relationship experiences, but definitely not to let off steam at BDSM. By the way, this is also the reason why I cant really get much out of Fifty Shades of Grey, although the book introduced many people to BDSM in the first place. Christian Grey is a traumatized man because he experienced violence as a child and this is where his penchant for BDSM lies. BDSM should never be an outlet for a serious trauma or a pathological tendency.

Once dominant, always dominant? Or can a preference change in the course of time?

But who spanks someone or chokes his butt during sex, has nevertheless favours it. Even more - it turns him on. How do you know whether its a pathologically sadistic vein or a consensual difference in power? At BDSM two people meet in the ideal case, whose pleasure in the game of dominance and submission is mutually dependent. This means that the dominatrix only enjoys role-playing if she has a slave at her disposal who likes to be led by her and draws his satisfaction from it. If the slave would act exclusively under compulsion or in a negative emotion, this would not be a pleasure for the domina. The same goes for the submissive part, the so-called sub: Only if he or she has the feeling that the cathedral is leading him with respect and dignity, can he or she rise in his or her role and feel pleasure again. Even if we are dealing here with a difference in power - in the end this is nothing more than a game of our soul in which both partners meet with respect and esteem. Doesnt a dominatrix still have a guilty conscience? After all, you hurt a loved one - lust back or forth. Feelings of guilt - especially at the beginning - are often part of it. This goes so far that people burst into tears afterwards, because they cannot understand why it gives them more pleasure to hit someone instead of stroking them, although they do love them. Such a thing does not pass without a trace at one and I would worry rather if it would have left me completely cold at the beginning. After all, we were brought up in such a way that it is evil to inflict pain on someone. You can overcome this dichotomy by knowing what you are doing on the one hand and by not beating yourself up senselessly on the other hand and by abandoning your black and white thinking and saying to yourself that the other person also feels pleasure in his role.

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